


The Space Between

by apicalbeat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-09-25
Packaged: 2017-12-27 14:02:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/979785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apicalbeat/pseuds/apicalbeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They have been through more than what others have seen. Inspired by the song "The Space Between" by Dave Matthews Band</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Space Between

_The space between the bullets in our firefight is where I'll be hiding waiting for you._

\- x -

He was not mistaken. That shimmer in her eyes that appears each time when she interacts with those brats from the 104th squad is something he'd wanted to see for a long time. How her animosity and passion burned bright was more than enough of a clue.

His observant eyes were not fooled; her spirit has fully returned. He let out a big sigh of relief as he settled his back on the couch in poignant recollection.

Everyone thought the downfall of a strong soldier like Hanji Zoe will be an injury incurred from a Titan. Everyone would have never guessed he was her murderer.

Levi remembered it vividly, the day she announced the big news. Of all the damn times, she decided to reveal when his defenses hit rock bottom. He was internally lamenting the death of his comrades, foreseeing the further shame this obvious defeat would bring to the Recon Corps, frustrated that this light of humanity has once again been put off, leaving too many families shattered. The blame is once again on them. When she spoke of this reality, a confident hero faltered for the first time. He wasn't able to formulate a sharp comeback. His jaw clenched, mouth ran dry, thoughts getting murkier as their territory came in sight. The valiant hero retreated, only to return a week later after another expedition to announce his next course of action.

It was driven by logic and the consideration of the further trauma it would give her. Raising a child in the middle of the war, without the assurance they will survive for tomorrow, will be too much heartache for a woman to handle. In this situation, he was certain Hanji's passion will be her destruction. Levi never had a clue his verdict will be the worst for her; he wasn't even there when their supposed offspring was harshly extricated from her womb. One sacrifice for the benefit of all is the military's recurrent principle. Hanji surely knew this; she's a soldier just like him, hence he was surprised to see she wasn't able to cope.

Life literally drained out of her. She was a candle melting under the pressure of fire. She deliberately neglected herself and was even almost bit off by a Titan if it weren't for Irvin slashing the giant's nape in time. The heavens knew how he wanted to save her, but this understanding between them should not have been there in the first place. Lovers have no place in this line of work; this law was perhaps formulated in prevention of excess familiarity to co-squadron. However, once the higher ups were off-guard, they meet on a collision of grenades. He let her wail the bitterness, curse him as he held her, if it would provide comfort and make her recover her lost sense of self. He'd sit there, beside the bonfire as she cried herself to sleep, and leave her for work next day tucked in his sheets, a wordless proposal to allow him to alleviate her agony. He was ready to be blamed, just like the rest of mankind to their regiment, for he knew he did not regret everything he did and made her do.

Seeing her sink deeper into depression and self-destruction however made him establish the next best thing.

Let's go back to how it was before. We're fellow soldiers sworn to the protection of mankind, and nothing else.

Even he himself cannot understand how he managed to tell this without flinching. Has he really gone cold? He looked beyond her sobbing shoulders, her trembling lips, and her glare which aimed to kill him anytime. Someday Hanji, he told himself, those tears will disappear. He had to pretend he didn't care; he had to control himself from yearning. He had to look ahead; he held those blades tightly and relinquished the thirst to kill those Titans, an indirect outlet of the joy, the tears, and the sorrow… everything that bubbled in the surface since the wintry night that emotion was born between them.

Withstanding these, he was promoted to Lance Corporal. Hanji wore a grim expression as he was recognized and walked away not even before the brief ceremony ended.

As for him, he swore to stay.

A form of habit, the lance corporal walks around their turf in the wee hours of dawn using a gas lamp as a final check of their security. The last room he will stay in however wasn't even his room. It was her dungeons, the basement converted to a study room. It's common he will see her catching some shut-eye. He will sit in some inconspicuous corner even if she's oblivious of the fact that he cared, that he opted to separate himself so she could cultivate her own person and reestablish her identity.

It was never an easy road being with her. Even if she is innately intelligent, her passionate personality clouds her logical mind too often. If only to prove she wasn't used to relieve him of his physical hunger in that forest that night when they were out in an expedition, he will persist. Although it's a big word, he loves her, he loved her way before, and he will love her more, but he is not the type to be so verbal about it. It would be dangerous to be too attached, given the nature of their work, but as days rolled by the more time he spent at one corner of her room. It's too late for him to require saving. That is, if he wanted to be saved at all.

In the dim light, he caught snippets of her theories, those feasibility studies she had been doing in secret. A small smile escaped him. She's doing her job of moving on, too.

Then it came to that point in time, approximately four months ago, when he, overcoming his deepest fears like he always does in war, ventured outside to conquer her wall. He finally talked to her, if stating an obnoxious comment would count.

His intention was initially misunderstood, with her storming in his room telling him to stop. She didn't understand any of this bullshit anymore. But, the more she refused, the more he persisted. No one can explain how, but it gradually warmed up, like the feel of the first sun's rays after a long winter. Things became casual, comfortable, sparking new hopes. Somehow, he finally understood what the saying "Time has a way of healing." meant. He trained to be more spontaneous in teasing her, initiating casual talks. He found great relief that she just laugh it off, pretend she didn't hear, or expound on the matter, his most preferred response. To his surprise, she has her own share of smart retorts. It would be too obsessive if he will jot them down, so he preferred to store them in memory, recalling them and how her face contorts each time, whenever he's in solitude to let a sliver of a grin cross his face.

When she is bursting with energy, novel ideas but had no one to properly talk to, he stayed even more. With arms crossed and a tall flask of coffee between them, she pulled an all-nighter explaining him her assumptions, which proved useful and solid with tons of proof. What he can't say aloud of course is that he's so proud of her for coming up with such unique dissertations and convinced her to put it in writing.

One routine night as she was burning the midnight oil and he was almost dozing off in his corner, Hanji asked out loud, Why are you doing these?

He retorted coolly, What shit of a question is that? You are smart. You'll figure it out.

Two months later, she was promoted as squad leader. Her idea of studying Titans in closer detail was approved. Sonny and Bean were captured alive.

\- x-

The images of reminiscence blurred with sunlight as three knocks fell on his door out of courtesy. But it was of no use as the visitor walked in immediately.

"Good moooorning, sir!" She entered with a grin and a cheery tune, hinting she feels so great and proud due to a new discovery waiting to be tested. Twice the amount of sunshine entered his room.

"May I ask permission to borrow your pet for today? I'm truly itching to try out one of my theories~ today might be another giant step for humankind!"

He disguised his shadow of a smile and the swell of his heart by sipping his coffee.  
Please, I beg you Hanji, stay that way forever.

"As you like, shitty glasses." He replied flatly without even looking back.

Her heart was instantly filled with mirth as her eyes lingered at his sitting form. Sunlight filtered through his spic-and-span, cream-colored curtains, making him look like a dream soon to disappear. No, she won't let him, not after his intentions are ultimately recognized. The accusations he endured, the headaches he acquired, the sacrifices he was forced to make, all of them were because of her.

_Levi's decisions are almost always double-edged swords._

Commander Irvin's spontaneous comment in one of their tactical meetings echoed. Levi was a guy always known to put himself on the line for service, a stronghold for everyone to take shelter into. Back then, she wondered if the commander knew anything. Anything, from how she was taken over by feelings of impending doom when they were on a solo expedition that she clung so hard on him, to how losing that child affected her in more ways she imagined possible. After his decision, it took a full month before she finalized her resolve to bereave. She thought she was fully determined to get rid of it, but her mask of toughness crumbled as she saw the bloodied clot on that wad of pads. Nightmares haunted her; even if she is considered a Titan murderer, she cannot stand the thought she ended the life of a helpless, still-developing human. With her maternal instincts robbed and femininity scarred, she lost diligence in taking care of herself and others.

Meanwhile he continued living, not looking back as if he had no heart. He proceeded shining as the Legion's champion. She cannot surmise how he maintained composure and apathy while she suffered alone, how he didn't come to her bedside when she was about to experience the consequences of their impulsiveness. Of course, a voyage to save mankind is much more important than her and their supposed child. But at the time, she just wished he would consider existing in one moment just for her. Given her train of logic which was spoiled rotten by sentimentality, it was blatantly obvious he just took advantage of her weakness for relief. The pain was excruciating; every time she cleaned herself a feeling that a part of her was already a void, and washing will make her lose it more.

She cut her hair, the last shard of femininity she maintained so well, haphazardly and swore not to lose to any man ever again. However, her determination dissolved immediately each time she's conquered by his mute embrace. She had no one to turn to; she had no choice but wail it all out, to be submissive to a man she didn't know if she should love or hate. Though her assessments are miles away from his, as a talented fellow soldier she respected him and trusted his foresight. Her will was that weak.

His distancing was the last straw to lose herself. Why must he take everything, even his bittersweet existence, away from her? In his absence, she believed she had to be mentally sounder. The desire grew stronger when he became Lance Corporal. It became an unconscious desire to be of his equal, or even to outshine him. If she cannot break even with him in brawn, she was fully determined to excel in the strategy and research division. It took her tedious training, stringent self-control not to be emotionally involved when they are side by side in combat. At times feelings take their toll that she refuses to be assigned in the same platoon as his, or she just wanted to be left alone in her lab… though a part of her inwardly wished he will return from his every expedition unscathed. He gave her a reason to be better. Somehow she is beginning to see the vision he had in his distant-focused eyes.

Although they were hesitant or shy to admit, she was thankful for her fellow squad members for their concern about her late night studies. She almost always wakes up with a hot pot of coffee on her table or a warm wool blanket covering her shoulders. When Levi started acting affable through his incisive remarks here and there, his mixed signals confused her. However, the other members in the Legion were there to point the way.

_He wants to be friends again._  
Mike was concise in his observation, along with a pat on her shoulder.

_Hanji-san, you must be very lucky Levi-heichou pursues you that much._  
She's surprised by Petra's combined remark and teasing. Petra Ral, whom she assumed Levi's lover after her, is implying envy? Behind Petra, Auruo was grinning perversely.

It was impossible, as if she woke up from a long sleep of gore and death to find things turned to morning dews and sunshine. What's even more unbelievable was how she was summoned one day only to be heralded as someone who has established a position in the Legion for herself. She tentatively shook hands with the higher-ups, and finally with Levi. She stood there as if to prove him she's not the easily manipulated soldier she was a year ago. His handshake was professional, but she's certain she glimpsed a hint of a smile and an encouraging nod, which pushed her to sail ahead.

Commander Irvin whispered something as she made her way out of the hall. Her jaw dropped and she trembled in overwhelming gratitude. Things immediately clicked in place.

Thank Levi. He believes a lot in you. He pitched in your propositions.

From then on, she, like a homing missile, will subconsciously find her way to his room or to the mess hall if only to pour out endlessly what's in her head. He will be present, the person who believed her and will be on her back even on the other side of the law, listening with intent, mocking her impossibilities time to time. When she ran out of words, he sips his drink silently and silence hung thickly between them, they recognize what is beneath.

It was forgiveness, acceptance, respect.

\- x-

For the first time, that space meant a lot. It symbolized what they have been through. And for the first time ever, she will be the one to bridge it in.

The space drifted closer and closer into their circle as Hanji walked towards the Corporal sipping his morning coffee. She pressed her cheek against his, enjoying his warmth which is only made available to people who are willing to see through his prickly personality and the reasons behind his decisions. Her right arm rested across his chest, with her hand gripping his shoulder, an embrace which can be easily dislocated should a fellow scout barge in his room. It was an intimacy they can afford away from the strict eyes of war, away from the bloody, cruel world they are force to live into.

"Thank you." She felt like crying for Levi, this seemingly stoic and brusque man, had always been her silent pillar of support, nursing, strength. He is her reason to keep going, to survive and hope for a brighter tomorrow when there are no more Titans to kill and they can start all over. The idea of having children crossed her mind like lightning, reliving the bitterness of their past. They were indeed strange allies with warring hearts, and their wicked lies were their hopes to keep themselves safe from their pain. The premise of being a mother infinitely scared her, but if it is the greatest gift she can give him, she will try her best. Again.

It was indeed a giant step for him. His reply was a tender run-through of his fingers on her unkempt, tangled hair. His fingers skittered through her scalp as if spelling out the three words he will never make himself sputter out, as if it will tarnish his tough, warrior-like exterior.

It wasn't necessary anymore though, because she knew. She already understood from long ago.

_The space between your heart and mine is the space we'll fill with time._


End file.
